Wilco: official citizen of Madison, WI

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Wilco – Ashes of American Flags

Wilco – Jesus, Etc.

Sad news from our westerly neighbors – it seems that yesterday, popular alternative rock band Wilco successfully tricked the National Congress of Wisconsin into making it (meaning Wilco) an Honorary Citizen of Madison.

One thing that makes me angry about this is that I don’t know whether Wilco gets one vote, or like fucking five. Can Nels Cline’s guitar cast the tiebreaking vote? Also, can we please make sure that Wilco’s votes cancel out the votes of the elderly, instead of young voters? Finally, are you people even aware of how many bands are stuck in line outside of the Madison National Immigration Office, just waiting for citizenship? It’s COLD OUT THERE. In conclusion, it’s a shame that…once again…indie rock is making a mockery of our country’s immigration process. Which is – by the way – the greatest in the world.

Another thing that I’m concerned about is the effect that this might have on the Badger State (meaning city). According to a recent sociological study out of Princeton, Madison is a pretty cool place. It states that “you probably won’t get kicked or punched in Madison. At least not in the face.” However, it is my utmost fear that the statistically-proven greatness of Madison is no match for the ineffable miasma of boredom that follows Wilco everywhere they go, infecting everything it touches, turning a once “cool lookin’ dude” or “hot chick” into a bundle of cardigans and bedtimes and compulsive handwashing and guilt-ridden, Vanity Fair-reliant masturbation. Did you know that, before he listened to Wilco, Ned Flanders looked like this? I fear that Madison will soon become Example A of what happens when a city’s biology becomes a Wilcology.

We don’t have much time. If you’ve got relatives in Madison, I urge you to abduct them and make them work in a smelting plant until they’re not boring anymore.  You need to do ANYTHING in your power to make them cool again. Start listening to gangster rap; get a tattoo; buy a case of Guinness and make some kids drink it. Put a cat in a large gun and shoot it at a dog. Eat a banana in the bathroom! I don’t know! I’m really at a loss here. I’m scared. Are you scared?

Oh, and here’s one more picture. NSFW. I guess.