They've descended the fartsocks and fought the Kraken, and now, verily, they rock.
WARNING: METAL
High on Fire – Bastard Samurai
Given that you’re on an indie weblog, I think it’s safe to assume that you’re unprepared to listen to High on Fire’s newest album, Snakes for the Divine. The album is a monolithic, knuckle-dragging blend of mainstream and alternative metal tropes – you can hear the influence of Black Sabbath, but there’s also a knowing appropriation of anti-heroic, Melvins-style sludge. But I can’t just tell you that – you’ve got to find out for yourself. You’re going to have to go on a quest.
—- “A quest?” sayest thou. Yea, ’tis A QUEST! —–
1. You’re going to need armor. I would recommend an ice suit, for then you will be impervious to fire.
a. This will slightly decrease your body temperature, which will aid you in coping with living inside a freezing fucking suit of ice.
2. You’re going to need a weapon. I would recommend a nine-string guitar.
a. Making a 9-string guitar:
i. Extract the stem cells from a six-string guitar (unfortunately, this will require the sacrifice of an unborn six-string guitar. Beware, for this will enrage conservative orcs).
ii. Combine in a large pot of bubbling chicken stock with the sneakers of a wizard, the beard of an eight-armed dinosaur (ask locals about the octosaur), a book of carpet samples, and an evil jar of strawberry jelly preserves (be sure that either the jar or the strawberries are evil, but NOT BOTH! This will cancel out the dark magick and make you look like a pussy).
3. You’re going to need a vessel.
a. Finding a vessel:
i. Level an entire forest with your blade.
1. Be sure to make the tree stumps into small tea tables for disenfranchised, displaced, or otherwise gentrified woodland creatures. They will be a valuable supporting demographic in any upcoming elections you choose to run in – they vote in droves because they have nothing to do but flood the ballot boxes, like old people.
ii. Make a fucking vessel!
1. Be sure to give your vessel a good name; if you’re having trouble with names, I would recommend using this handy list.
iii. Unleash a war cry.
4. You’re going to need to sail an icy expanse.
a. I would recommend listening to the two songs up at the top of this li’l blog entry, “Frost Hammer” and “Bastard Samurai.”
i. I can’t really think of two more badass song titles than that. Usually when I try and think of badass song titles, I come up with shit like “Don Knotts Death Camp” or “Ogre Ballsack” or “Death Book” or “Don Knotts Ballsack Camp.” DEATH BOOOOOK!!
ii. I suppose you could listen to “Ocean Man,” though this is rather anticlimactic.
5. You’re going to need to fight the Kraken.
a. You’ll find that the Kraken is immune to your blade. You’ll have to outsmart it. I would recommend a book of children’s logic puzzles and a megaphone, through which you must recite the book of puzzles slowly and clearly, for English is but the second language of the Kraken.
b. As you sound the death knell of the Kraken, be sure to listen to the part in “Frost Hammer” where vocalist Matt Pike puts the brakes on a guitar solo to scream “FROST HAMMMMAH! FROST HAMMMMAHH!” It’s pretty great.
6. You’re going to need to descend the labyrinth.
a. This will require shimmying down a mile-long rope made from a bunch of tube socks tied together. Beware the scent of the socks, for they have been cursed by the foot-smells of many orcs.
i. To neutralize this odor, I would recommend farting on the sock-rope before you begin your descent.
7. You’re going to need to do something about that ogre.
It goes on like this for quite a while. Rest assured, by the time you find the Diadem of Kings, you’ll have gained newfound appreciation for High on Fire’s Snakes for the Divine. Which, by the way, is very awesome.
