SC: 2010 Baseball Preview Issue (part 2 of…6?)

In case you missed the first sixth of The SeizureChicken Balltacular Baseball Preview issue, it’s here, and focuses on the NL Central. Here’s part two of 6 chock-filled content bonanzas, in which the NL East is the division of choice.

NL East

Atlanta Braves

Anthem: “Drop the Pressure,” Mylo

Predicted Record: the Braves

The Braves are Good Again…dammit: Once again, the Braves are the talk of the off-season – not just because it’s super manager Bobby Cox’s last year, and not just because of ace Tim Hudson’s recuperation from surgery , and not just because of ace-in-training Tommy Hanson. Rather, the hype concerns prospect Jason Heyward, who’s been compared to Willie Mays, Willie McCovey, Hank Aaron, Willie Stargell, Jerry Seinfeld (in a metaphorical way), make-up sex, a giant cup of coffee, Bruce Wayne, The Bill of Rights, Genghis Khan, sick Nike Dunks, Radiohead, and Oprah Winfrey.

Bold Prediction: Following the last game of the season – a humiliating loss to the Nationals – Bobby Cox takes off his Braves jersey, revealing a majestic set of wings. Cox flies off into the sunset, never to be heard from again.

Florida Marlins

Anthem: “We Got it For Cheap,” Clipse

Predicted Record: scrappy

Hmm: It’s yet another year of economy baseball for the Marlins, whose vast tracts of day-glo orange bleacher seats are probably more recognizable than their best player, shortstop/fantasy dreamboat Hanley Ramirez. However, with a scrappy pitching staff, a scrappy offense, and Scrappy Doo backing up second base-scrap Dan “Scraps” Uggla, the Marlins could surprise some people – because that’s just what they do.

Bold Prediction: following their third World Series win, the Marlins celebrate by carpooling to a Tampa Bay seminar intended to help senior citizens curb their spending habits. Each of them brings a sack lunch.

New York Mets

Anthem: “What is Love,” Haddaway

Predicted Record: four wins. Or four-hundred.

Oh Shit: It’s impossible to predict the shitty things that will happen to the Mets this year. Will Jose Reyes bounce back from injury problems? Will David Wright somehow have the same number of home runs and RBIs? Will Johan Santana have season-ending butt surgery? Will Jason Bay just lose it and fucking kill everybody? Will manager Jerry Manuel molest an umpire? This year, only one thing is sure for the Mets: Jerry Manuel will definitely molest an umpire.

Bold Prediction: 72 and sunny.

Philadelphia Phillies

Anthem: “The World Loves Us and is our Bitch,” Mclusky

Predicted Record: impressive

Cheesesteaks: Okay, so the Phillies followed up an unsuccessful World Series berth by trading for the best pitcher in the league, the Bunyanesque Roy Halladay (not to mention Placido Polanco, the utility infielder with the league’s most absurd head size-to-body size ratio). They’re stacked like Scarlett Johansson bending over in front of you to tie her shoelace. Stacked like this fucking thing. And once again, the city of Philadelphia has made sports into something that’s fun for NOBODY.

Bold Prediction: frustrated by Chase Utley’s disdain for Subway sandwiches, Ryan Howard accidentally chokes the second baseman to death while trying to force-feed him a black forest ham sandwich, screaming “IT’S IN THE MMM HALL OF FAME! THE MMM HALL OF FAME!! YOU IDIOT!”

Washington Nationals

Anthem: “The Boy Who Destroyed the World,” AFI

Predicted Record: pretty terrible

Stephen Strasburg: The Nationals’ opening day starter is John Lannan, who, according to ESPN sabermetrician/hobgoblin Tim Kurkjian, is only the fifth opening day starter in major league history to have really big, stupid eyebrows. But that’s only so the Nats can exploit a rookie-contract loophole that allows them to pay phenom/savior/beautiful man Stephen Strasburg rookie wages for an extra year. Exploitation of ancillary, fine-print loopholes? Well golly gee fucking horseshit, we must be in Washington.

Bold Prediction: Unintentionally locked in the clubhouse, Ryan Zimmerman gets drunk and drowns in a hot tub full of ranch dressing. However, propelled by the encouraging otherworldly advice of the ghost of Ryan Zimmerman, the Nationals learn that life isn’t just about winning and losing, but how you play the game, and always having an extra set of clubhouse keys.