Posted by tonywonder in 2010 | 0 Comments
SC: Tha Baseball Preview Issue (tha Thrilling Conclusion)
Okay, so this is the last free preview issue; to start a subscription please send several large bills in an envelope to SeizureChicken headquarters (it’s inside the White House, just look on their website for a mailing address). Be sure to re-live the magic of the baseball preview issue with, bar none, the most funny pictures, nonrelated jokes, and blatantly biased reporting with this handy index:
The AL West is inherently the worst division. There are only four teams; I can name four baseball teams that I’ve been a member of in my entire life (although I played in a different league). Writing the AL West preview makes me want to study particle physics instead of being a lazy baseball fan. Did you know that the matter that sticks quarks together is called a “gluon?” As in, “glue-on.” In conclusion, be sure to pay attention to Texas manager Ron Washington’s nose, which – potentially – has cocaine inside of it.
IT’S BEEN REAL.
THA AL WEST
Oakland Eh’s
Anthem: “Loser,” Beck (too easy? Sorry. Ha. It’s a GOOD SONG)
Predicted Record: do not want
Why Don’t You Kill Me: although they thrive on low expectations in Oakland, it’s tough to imagine new ways that the A’s could have a successful year. Billy Beane, team avatar/svengali/manager, is either slipping in his old age or reading up on statistics and insidiously re-stocking the farm system right now. Much like their analogous brethren in Toronto, Pittsburgh, San Diego, and Cleveland, the A’s will probably camp towards the latter third of the standings for the majority of 2010, waiting hungrily for reinforcements to arrive.
Bold Prediction: Billy Beane finally earns his hypnotism degree from San Francisco State, and spends the first half of the season hypnotizing commissioner Bud Selig into making baseball a sport in which the winner is the team with the greenest jerseys.
Seattle Mariners
Anthem: “The Ghost Inside,” Broken Bells
Predicted Record: DO NOT WANT
The Gray Album was sick tho: drive around Safeco Field and you’re bound to smell the unmistakable stank-fumes of nostalgia – once a super-cool team and perennial Series contender, the Mariners are now that one team that seems like it’s trying to hide how bad it could actually be. (Hence Broken Bells – composed of two people who were a thousand times cooler just a couple years ago.) Last place? If the A’s happen to yet again do their small-market dark horse thing, it’s very possible; despite a prodigious rotation anchor (Felix Hernandez) and a respected, newly-acquired table-setter (Chone “I pronounce my name ‘Shawn’ cuz I’m wacky” Figgins), the Mariners will also rely on an old, soothsaying svengali named Griffey and league-wide pariah Milton Bradley to drive home their two prized table-setters.
Bold Prediction: ICHIRO SEX TAPE (featuring raunchy manga extras)
Texas Rangers
Anthem: “Party Hard,” Andrew W.K.
Predicted Record: 69-0
WHEREFORE ART THE PARTY: The Rangers have an excitable, high-octane offense, a little league-sized ballpark, a manager who tested positive for cocaine last year (gotta wonder what former heroin-enthusiast Josh Hamilton thought of that), a shortstop named Elvis, Chris Davis, a creepy corporate svengali owner (whose team represents the epicenter of the steroid era, whose partial buyout of a legendary soccer team was mass-protested by footie enthusiasts, and who looks like this), and a pitching bro named Dick Harden. So despite a feeble rotation that’s anchored by a guy named Feldman, my only questions is: where’s the keg? It’s party time.
Bold Prediction: I’ll bet twenty dollars that pictures surface of a Texas Rangers player wearin’ a funny hat.
OFFICIAL HAT ODDS:
2 : 1:
4 : 3:
8 : 1:
14 : 1:
60 : 1:
(There’s good money to be had on black-market hat gambling)
Los Angeles of Anaheim Angels in the Outfield
Anthem: “Damaged,” Black Flag
Predicted Record: potentially competitive!
Manage!: it’s like Henry Rollins screams in the Weird Al Yankovic version of this song (I made it up in my head): “MANAGE! MANAGE! MANAGE! MANAGE!” It’s up to manager/svengali-type Mike Scioscia to coax good-to-great performances out of an outfield of Torii Hunter, Juan Rivera, and Bobby Abreu, all of whom are rapidly decaying (…they’re old). The formerly daunting rotation is also a huge question mark, with mercurial righties like Jered Weaver and Ervin Santana – and an inconsistent lefty, Joe “MojoJojo” Saunders. Could last decade’s golden era, ushered in by owner/cheap-beer proponent Arte Moreno, be entering twilight?
Bold Prediction: Kendry Morales’s face produces a record-breaking number of fart-sounds per 9 innings (or “FSPI”).
