SC: The Baseball Preview Issue (Part 4 of a billion)

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In case you missed part one, two, or three of our hilarious (if I do say so myself) six-part saga celebrating everything about America’s most American sport, click away, and then come back here to read a couple rants about the AL East.

Yankees or Red Sox? McDonald’s or Burger King? George Bush…or George Bush? An afternoon with Grandma or an afternoon with OTHER GRANDMA? The AL East is baseball’s pinnacle with regard to both talent and money – Tampa Bay, and even Baltimore, could compete for a wild card berth in any division but this one, in which they’ll once again be victimized by MLB’s laissez faire economics. Fat cats, rejoice – it’s your year. Again.

Baltimore Orioles

Anthem: “Waiting Room,” Fugazi

Predicted Record: they’re gonna lose to the Yankees and the Red Sox. A lot.

See the team of tomorrow…Today!: You’d have to go back to the days of Cal Ripken’s sick-day streak to find an Orioles team as exciting as this year’s squad, which features live young arms (Rookie-of-the-Year candidate Brian “Henry Rowengartner” Matusz), uber-prospect Matt Wieters, and sexy dick-shaped bats. Unfortunately, the Orioles play in the talent-loaded AL East, which means they’re going to be sitting in the waiting room for another couple years.

Bold Predictions: Baltimore brass introduces the “Felix Pie,” a pie named after the speedy outfielder. However, what Felix Pie doesn’t know is that there’s a stipulation in his contract detailing that, if Felix Pie underperforms, “Felix Pie” will be made out of…that’s right…Felix Pie.

Boston Red Sox

Anthem: “People Person,” Pissed Jeans

Predicted Record: bullshit

As an organization, we’re afraid that the general populace might forget that we’re ALSO incredibly wealthy: Listen to that song up there and then look at the Red Sox – a bunch of good-but-not-great lookin’, team-first dudes who led the league in boutique stats like VORP and OBPS and WAMP+WAMP, and they’re all on a successful, wealthy and legendary baseball team with die-hard, knowledgeable fans and an historically significant ballpark. And they’re doing it all in Boston, America’s cradle of life. I’m going to go throw up on someone from Cambridge.

Bold Predictions: fulfilling a childhood dream, Ben Affleck finally rubs his butt on the Green Monster. Longtime Red Sox booster Stephen King writes a memoir/horror novel about this incident, entitled Ass on my Monster.

New York Yankees

Anthem: “Can It Be All So Simple,” Wu-Tang Clan

Predicted Record: BULLSHIT

Good Job!: Yankee Business Model: 1) Spend money. 2) bitch. Repeat as necessary until competitive spirit is raped and baseball isn’t fun anymore, bearing in mind a pervasive sense of entitlement that borders on actual real-life masturbation. Yes, it’s just that simple.

Bold Predictions: 2010 might be the year that the Yankees finally snap their agonizing nine-month championship drought and give their knowledgeable, humble, and small-but-devoted fan base the title they deserve. Maybe.

Tampa Bay Rays

Anthem: “Salty,” Enon

Predicted Record: maybe next year. Maybe this year?

Can we be in the AL West? We’ll front the airfare: as the best team that nobody expects to make the playoffs, the Rays should be salty. Despite talent all over the field, the large pocketbooks in the northeast aim to make their contention a non-factor; however, it’s a rule that you should never count out boatloads of young talent, and in that regard the Rays are the wealthiest team in the league. Especially if former seat-fillers like Ben Zobrist and Jason Bartlett can repeat last year’s numbers; or if B.J. Upton and David Price realize a fraction of their potential; or if Evan Longoria would just take some goddamn steroids already. C’mon, Evan. For the greater good.

Bold Predictions: Joe Maddon and B.J. Upton team up to solve crimes in the greater Tampa Bay-area – except it’s eventually revealed that Maddon was responsible for the very crimes he’d been assigned to solve! Joe Maddon is subsequently arrested for triple murder, arson, and removing the pants from a dog without consent.

Toronto Blue Jays

Anthem: “Alone Down There,” Modest Mouse

Predicted Record: won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children??

This Could Get Ugly: Due to mid-market economics and their investment in a couple of  lazy, lazy bitches, the Jays enter the year seeking absolution for two of the most hideous contracts in baseball (double douchebags Alex Rios and Vernon Wells). They’re also without the Batman of pitching (Roy Halladay, who’s also the Superman of hockey…somehow). So even if Jay upstarts Adam Lind and Aaron Hill duplicate last year’s surprisingly respectable offensive campaigns, it’s pretty much league-wide consensus that the relatively punchless Blue Jays are gonna have to wander around in the cellar of baseball’s best division for the duration of 2010…at least.

Bold Predictions: Brian Tallet’s mustache becomes so powerful that it starts growing on the upper lips of OTHER PLAYERS.