In case you missed parts one and two of SeizureChicken’s incredibly comprehensive coverage of the 2010 baseball season, here is part one (breaking down the NL Central), and here is part two (NL East).

Now, on with the madness! As Lou Gehrig once sarcastically quipped, “oh yeah. I feel like the luckiest man alive.” But that quote might as well be describing ME, because I’m about to do my favorite thing in the whole wide world: talk about the NL West.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Anthem: “I’m the Shit,” Gucci Mane

Predicted Record: butt-stanky

Baseball in Arizona: for old people: following a breakout year last year, many expect prodigious outfielder Justin Upton to put up monster numbers and soon supplant a totally ‘roided Luis Gonzalez as the Diamondbacks’ best ever offensive player. However, the fortunes of the D-Bags run parallel to those of organizational barometer Brandon Webb, who hasn’t pitched in the majors since last April and begins the season watching from the comfort of his own superhero lair – with Webb alongside total bro Dan Haren, the team has perhaps the best one-two punch in the NL (the Cardinals would beg to differ, but fuck those guys); without him, they’ll have to rely on buckets of innings from exiled former prospects like Edwin Jackson and Ian Kennedy.

Bold Prediction: Mark Reynolds releases a rap CD. Dubbed “Reynolds Rap,” the disc infuriates elderly Arizonan critics – this is mostly due to Reynolds’ verses about how much he hates everybody’s grandchildren.

Colorado Rockies

Anthem: “Captain Pasty,” Frank Black

Predicted Record: rocky mountain high

Rocky V plus Rocky II equals…Rocky VII: Adrian’s Revenge!: the Rockies won last year’s wild card berth due to the strange, possibly sexual influence exuded onto the club by replacement manager Jim Tracy, who steered the team from last place to the playoffs with a 50-game disadvantage. Talent is at a low in the NL West (I can smell the Padres from here), which means the Rockies are poised to take the division and maybe even contend for the pennant – however, all of this is dependent on the ability of shortstop/catalyst Troy Tulowitzki to replicate last year’s prodigious offensive numbers.

Bold Prediction: Troy, Cliff, Todd and Ian – that’s the Rockies infield – start a Christian rock band, promising to bang only the most barely-legalest of the groupies.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Anthem: “Underachievers March and Fight Song,” Archers of Loaf

Predicted Record: Decent, though possibly disappointing

Matt Kemp and Rihanna: for the second straight year, the Dodgers were eliminated from the playoffs by a clearly superior bunch of Phillies…and in the interim, the Phillies acquired the world’s best pitcher, while the Cardinals expect to benefit from a full year of 2-out, back-to-back doubles from Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday. The Dodgers responded poorly to these acquisitions – and the revelation that Manny Ramirez doesn’t plan on playing in Los Angeles next year – by losing a 3.2 ERA (to be fair, that ERA belongs to Randy Wolf) and starting the abominable Vicente Padilla on Opening Day. Though they look great on paper yet again, it’s tough to distinguish these Dodgers from last year’s ultimately shorthanded squad.

Bold Prediction: after a long night of sake bombs and toilet humor, pitcher Hiroki Kuroda wakes up married to every Kardashian in the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area.

San Diego Padres

Anthem: “D.O.A.,” Jay Reatard

Predicted Record: stanky

A Whale’s Vagina: While the son of their greatest player swats flies in centerfield, Padre icons dot the league’s landscape on new teams – Trevor Hoffman is quietly saving games Milwaukee, while Jake Peavy heads a potentially-imposing White Sox staff. Everyone’s bolted from San Diego except for home-run machine/swarthy bastard Adrian Gonzalez, who promises to hit plenty of solo shots purely out of obligation as he prays that he’s traded to a contender before Heath Bell can muster up the courage to ask him to the prom.

Bold Prediction: San Diego-area Taco Bells sign Heath Bell to an endorsement contract and begin aggressive promotion of the Heath Bell Taco Bell Taco, a taco full of ground beef and Heath bar shavings.

San Francisco Giants

Anthem: “Panda Panda Panda,” Deerhoof

Predicted Record: wild-card rejects

We’d hire Barry Bonds except, well, you know: the Giants’ starting pitching has the potential to flirt with dominance on a near-nightly basis – that being said, Macgyver could make a better offense out of glue, a lighter, a shotgun, some huge condoms, and a roll of paper towels (the key is in the flammability of the glue). The key to their taking advantage of a division with no clear-cut winner and no obvious championship contenders lies in Pablo “Kung-Fu Panda” Sandoval’s ability to be responsible for a disproportionate amount of this season’s runs. Consider it penance for an offensive legacy of San Franciscan sins against the game that range from the unfortunate (Barry Bonds and BALCO) to the sadistic (Jeff Kent’s mustache).

Bold Prediction: following a record-setting 400-inning season, it’s revealed that Tim Lincecum’s skeletal structure is made of adamantium.