Posted by tonywonder in 2010 | 0 Comments
Celebrity Deathmatch: the Band of Ballers tournament
Here at Seizure Chicken, we’re concerned about music. But we’re also concerned with absurd things that are only tangentially-related to music – and yet, they’re so absurd that they warrant a bit of free coverage on our humble little slice of the interwebs.
Perhaps the best example of shit that’s so absurd that I just can’t help but write it up is this: The Band of Ballers tournament, an Atlanta-based musicians’ basketball tournament (sponsored by Converse) won by Jim Jones (not the cultist, but the scraggly-bearded co-CEO of Diplomat Records, and the Robin to Cam’ron’s Batman) every damn year – more on that after the bump.
In conclusion, since the tournament already happened, I’m going to go the “lazy-pseudojournalist-doesn’t-want-to-do-his-job-so-he-makes-a-column-out-of-a-bunch-of-bullet-points” route. So here’s some bullet points regarding the best damn celebrity basketball tournament since the Beach Boys played the Jetsons for the rights to take Richard Nixon’s virginity, way back at Rucker Park in like ’73 or something.
Jim Jones Wins, Again: apparently, the Diplomats have some sort of a stranglehold over this tourney. What’s that you say? Jim Jones…a three-point shooting, smooth-talking lothario? Is Freekey Zekey a box-out specialist or something? Well, no. Actually, what Jim Jones did is asked a former Washington Wizard (God Shammgod) and a dude who once went bucket-for-bucket against Vince Carter (Adrian “A-Butta” Walton) to play on his team. And then, no joke, Cam’ron showed up, unannounced, to lay waste to whatever shitty zone defense Of Montreal happened to be utilizing. So, congratulations to Jim Jones, who’s that guy that talks shit and takes pick-up basketball way too seriously. Congrats, Jim. You’re that guy.
Only one ball at a time, bro
Of Montreal?: yes, it’s true – the most flamboyant indie rock band in the world (excluding Japan, of course) went toe-to-toe with Jermaine Dupri, Brick Squad, and Dipset. Pretty sweet of them, although, as it turns out (at least according to their team video), their on-court knowledge doesn’t really seem to exceed Washington Generals-esque buffoonery.
Adrenalate the Cheerleaders: the best thing about this tournament is that it’s a legitimately difficult decision, for me anyways, to choose a team to root for. Because, on one hand, there’s the Black Lips, the hardest-working and best-sounding garage band in the biz. On the other hand, there’s the Southern Hospitality crew, which is composed of, amongst others, 1017 Brick Squad loyalists OJ da Juiceman and Shawty-Lo. I’ve already feverishly tried to explain my affinity for all things Gucci Mane (the central member of Brick Squad); I dare you to watch this video and not instantly feel a bizarre desire for the not-even-remotely-athletic OJ da Juiceman to succeed.
Steel Train: is a band that I hadn’t heard before I decided to write this thing and found out that they’re actually pretty great. So, um, yeah. Steel Train. Inexplicably playing in an Atlanta basketball tournament, despite definitely being Jews from New Jersey. Their music sounds like The Morning Benders with the dude from Frog Eyes on guest vocals, but – perhaps more awesomely – MTV reports that they actually put up a decent on-court fight. Steel Train. Basketball. Trying hard. Power-pop. Inexplicably from Jersey. LEAVIN’ IT ALL ON THE COURT. RESPECT.
The Black Lips: what, you didn’t think that this column wasn’t just an excuse to pimp The Black Lips? Where exactly on the internet do you think you are, son?
Jermaine Dupri: the Lex Luthor to Jim Jones’ Superman (although, in actuality, I sorta feel like they’re both Lex Luthors to OJ’s Juiceman…but that’s just me) showed up to hustle Jim Jones, didn’t win, went back home and smelled some clothes that Janet Jackson left at his house many, many years ago. Probably. Check that same article for a rundown of Dupri V. Jones, in which Jermaine validates my aforementioned concerns about the Jones Family Team (it’s full of ex-pros), before MTV undercuts him with the truth: “And while Jones, joined by his surprise teammate Cam’ron did, in fact, hit the court — Dupri never did.” So maybe Jones’s ringer-strategy is defensible – as all young men do at one point in their life, Jim Jones just wanted to beat up on Jermaine Dupri. Because Jermaine Dupri is annoying.
(PS. Picture credit goes to Dime Magazine)
