The Keeper: a Brief Pictorial History of Tim Howard

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not to be a douche or anything

The Almighty Defenders – Bow Down and Die

In honor of Team U.S.A.’s having advanced to the knockout stages of the World Cup, here’s a brief biography of goalkeeper Tim Howard, whose instrumental outlet pass to  Landon Donovan ignited the team’s Donovan-Altidore-Dempsey trident-type thing, through which Donovan eventually scored via rebound (youth basketball coach was always telling me to follow my shot, too), thereby completely destroying the hopes and dreams of a much smaller nation. (Though also a nation whose decision to play for a tie despite the possibility of advancement with a 2-goal victory was rather perplexing, to say the least.)

Anyways, without further ado, a brief pictorial biography of Howard, perhaps the only player on the team as vital to their success as Donovan himself (if not more so).

1979: Tim Howard is born.

2001-2004: offered an entry-level position at the Central Intelligence Agency; posing as a swingman of ambivalent worth, he conducts research for the CIA concerning the successful operations of successful small-market basketball teams.

2004-2005: silences the higher-up agents who doubt his versatility with a star-making turn as “Vin Diesel” in a poignant film about the confusing rise and humiliating fall of a midlevel American action film star. No one is quite sure why the CIA told him to do this.

2006: having read several popular English novels on the subject, then-president Bush dispatches Howard to England with a trunk of robes and a broomstick for the purpose of conducting field research on English wizarding sport. Ever the pragmatist, Howard elects to ignore the president’s understanding of magick in the British Isles – which leaves something to be desired – and assumes a role on the English equivalent of the New York Yankees. He is promptly siphoned off to the English equivalent of the White Sox or the Astros or some shit.

2007: co-authors No Ordinary Love, an advice book about sexual abnormalities.

June 23, 2010: once and for all settles the raging debate regarding his ability to chuck a soccer ball 150 feet. (It’s rather easy for him.) Also, the other thing.

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay