Posted by tonywonder in 2010 | 3 Comments
NBA Free Agency LeBron James Fireside Chat Extravaganza
future site of heartbreak
To serve as a break from the grueling day-to-day grind of reading about indie bands and then listening to them:
As many of you are probably already aware, LeBron James plays basketball better than anyone else.
He’s also a free agent this summer, meaning that he’s finally free from the NBA’s rookie-contract statutes and able to go wherever he wants to play – provided that the destination in question is willing to give him $20 million to do alley-oops and loop-de-doops and razzmatazz for roughly 95 games, and then suddenly forget how to play hard at a critical juncture in the postseason, thereby leading to yet another premature postseason exit for his team.
The thing is, NBA contract law is extremely complicated. Think of it as the Aphex Twin of sporting contract litigation. These laws bar teams from negotiating with players in a perfectly free-market scenario – meaning that you can’t spend $40 million on a single player (no matter how much you want to). Furthermore, there’s a ceiling on the amount of money a team can pay its entire roster (although, rest assured, this amount of money is still considered, in legal jargon, “a fuck-ton”). Anyhoo, it’s these regulations, combined with some standard-issue economic volatility, that prevent most teams from signing LeBron – and makes it so that the remaining teams will be submitting offers with identical dollar amounts (except Cleveland who, as the incumbent employer, can give him slightly more). The only teams left standing in the LeBron sweepstakes? A holy pentagon consisting of Cleveland, Chicago, New York, New Jersey, and Miami.
And so, without further ado, a nifty breakdown (complete with a corresponding theme song) of each of LeBron’s potential employers. The Man Himself plans on unveiling his decision tonight, on ESPN, in an hour-long LeBron extravaganza. I urge you to not watch this special, because it’s yet another sign that LeBron James – once basketball’s shining star/prodigal son/”dude who diverted attention from Kobe Bryant’s rape trial” – is actually kind of an egotistical douchebag. The type of dude who thinks that his workplace destination for the next six years is befitting of an hourlong ESPN special.
Although if you do watch – well, I can’t really blame you.
He could go to Miami: and team up with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh (already two of the top 10 players in the league) to form a Council of Superfriendz, in which each of the three sacrifices personal glory for the twelve championships (and bountiful treasures) promised by this combination. If LeBron goes here, it’s a sign that he cares about winning so much that not only is he willing to sacrifice his personal legacy to win titles, but that his years as a lone wolf/championship-loser in Cleveland have bred the resultant glee that he takes in quashing anything even remotely resembling healthy competition.
The Official Theme Song of This Decision
Chris Bosh looks like an Avatar
must protect pandora from white people
He could go to Cleveland: and decline four other scenarios that, in the long term, seem more lucrative on both financial and professional levels. The fiscal resources presented by New York/Chicago/Miami absolutely dwarf those presented by Cleveland, who’ve also prematurely ejaculated themselves out of the playoffs for like a billion consecutive years, thereby breeding LeBron’s whole uncertainty in the first place (…probably). That being said, the Cavs are the sentimental favorites here – LeBron is from the nearby holy land of Akron; he’s played in Ohio for his whole life. It’s in this one resource that Cleveland absolutely trumps any of LeBron’s alternatives – Cavs fans offer LeBron a clingy devotion that’s analogous to a dude with a girlfriend who’s WAY hotter than him and they both know it, and so he compensates for this by being fucking crazy with the date nights and the diamond necklaces and the pretending to like LeBron’s mom.
He could go to Chicago: widely-regarded as the best option if LeBron wants to win right now for fuck’s sake, the Bulls have a respectable foundation in place (Derrick Rose, Joakim Noah, and Carlos Boozer), a large market, prominent basketball history, and the requisite amount of civic corruption to insure that LeBron’s future in politics will be, at the very least, illustrious. Something that the media like to say is a “negative aspect” of this choice is the legacy of Michael “future hilarious NBA businessman” Jordan – although, if you think about it, is this really a negative aspect? Would YOU stay away from taking a job at a business because – because – they’ve been ridiculously successful in the past?
Soul Coughing – Is Chicago, is not Chicago?
He could go to New York: for capitalists and entrepreneurs, this choice is enticing – the Knicks offer LeBron a scenario in which he gets to simultaneously construct his own team (prior to their signing of Amare Stoudemire, their roster consisted of an Italian sharpshooter and a TV that came with the house) and build his LeBrand in the Most Biggest City in the World. If LeBron’s a fan of the novels of Horatio Alger, an admirer of Mr. Burns, or a sworn enemy of front-office decision-making skills, this decision is practically already made. New York, New York – it’s a hell of a town.
There are a billion songs about New York – so fuck it, here’s Method Man: “Meth v. Chef”
He could go to New Jersey: and play basketball in Newark for two years, until the team packs up its valuables and moves to Brooklyn. At which point, this decision basically mirrors the preceding one, except it’s more cartoonish and awesome because he’ll on the payroll of Mikhail Prokhorov – the Nets’ newest owner, a man who (we can only assume) is the head of a couple Eastern bloc weapons syndicates/money laundering outfits/shadowy Russian prostitute cartels/evil illegal jet-ski operations – and he’ll be partying with minority owner Jay-Z! JAY-Z. Jay-Z.
Oh and here’s a sweet Jay-Z song that was just lying around
Or, he could go to the Clippers: and be laughed at for eternity as a young man who declined contracts from America’s two biggest cities and his hometown team (…sort of) to play basketball for a habitually unsuccessful and hilarious (and, debatably, cursed) team owned by an alleged racist/sexist slum lord. In short, this decision is the official recipient of…
THE OFFICIAL 2010 SEIZURE CHICKEN “Please Decide This” AWARD AND HONORARY MEDAL
Michael Phelps has won 8 of these awards (one for each blunt he smoked with us in our Olympic swimming pool)
In conclusion, Happy LeBronnukah, Happy LeBronzaa, Happy LeBrondependence Day, LeBromadan, LeBroxing Day. Sorry to anyone who’s LeBirthday happened to fall on this momentous occasion.
Comment Without Facebook
Kobe and James that severe
My view is clear. KOBE and JAMES is not a level of player.
Basketball as a game, you will have the rules of the game while Bryant has this rule is applied to the superb players in the realm of gods. If basketball is an art, then Kobe is the artist who is performing.
kobe get high marks in the same time have averaged nearly 5 times as high as assists. the offensive team when Kobe Bryant will not open and timely step forward. and very aggressive with his excellent defending defensive awareness. to promote teammate teammate infection. . If there are thinkers Bryant Basketball undoubtedly one of them.
The two are James in a long period of time thereafter can not be something in the shoulder to shoulder.
wait, what?
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