Posted by tonywonder in 2010 | 0 Comments
Fight Mix
Now is the time of year when things start getting tense – the snow won’t stop falling, the economy won’t stop…falling, grandmas won’t stop falling (nobody shoveled her walkway) and everybody just sort of wishes it was three weeks ago. In honor of this wonderful time of year and the equally-wonderful next three months or so (when does spring training start again?), here’s a couple fights Seizure Chicken is currently trying to coordinate. All dates, odds, and fighters subject to change.
Flaming Lips Vs. American Gladiators
The only match on this list in which all competitors must be inside hamster balls. Also, is to be conducted inside a really, really big hamster ball. Winners go on to face race of giant nuclear Russian hamsters.
Das Racist Vs. Homeland Security
You can bet actual cash money that Das Racist won’t even make it out of the airport for this match. Homeland Security wins again!
Raekwon and Ghostface Vs. Redman and Method Man
Which Wu-Tang-related friendship is stronger? Bank on a premium of distorted, tinny cartoon punches and some comic relief (whoopee cushions, banana peels, etc.) from the out-of-place Redman.
Big Dick Cheney Vs. Actual Dick Cheney
The grumbly former vice-president squares off against Bun B to determine the rightful owner of the Texas Governor’s mansion.
Odds: One of these men is a guest lecturer at Rice University, and the other once shot a man in the face. Odds are good that the former V.P. routs Bun B to a chorus of boos, then takes his shirt off and flexes to the crowd, WWF-style.
Soundgarden Vs. Audioslave Vs. Rage Against the Machine
Rarely do we remember that Chris Cornell used to make proto-stoner rock in Soundgarden, and rarely do we remember that he sounded a lot like Ronnie James Dio when he did it.
Odds: 3:1 that Tom Morello can make his guitar sound like a punctured lung.
Winner of the Subgenre Bowl will go on to face Pitchfork in the Indie Bowl, to be held in a PBR storing facility in Portland.
Odds: I’d go with chillwave on this one, as dubstep has been nursing a strained wobble.
Which is truly the more intelligent form of dance music?!
Juan MacLean Vs. John McLane Vs. John McCain
Odds: Never bet against Die Hard.
Finally, the world will know which team is warmest. Expect lots of sweat.
Jerry Seinfeld Vs. Stephen Hawking
This would be SO SWEET.
Odds: Hawking with the upset.
