Watch The Throne: The Pinnacle of Audio Highway Robbery

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The Baron’s relationship with Jay-Z is, in one word, tumultuous. Back in his eighth grade hey-day as a
red-eyed pubescent “wiger” The Baron had an ever-evolving affinity for golden era hip-hop, Jay-Z’s
Reasonable Doubt arguably being the most formative. But not since The Black Album has our
relationship been anywhere near harmonious (The Baron has seen the tyranny of the Illuminati first
hand and he’ll be the first to throw Hov under the bridge, specifically the Brooklyn Bridge). Their
relationship took an unexpected turn this past Saturday as The Baron, half-way to a drunken stupor,
was perusing the ritzy alleyways of Greenwich Village, presumably searching for loose women and/or
renegade rat’s whom he intended on sharing his fourth meal with (The Baron has got a lot of respect for
rats, not the snitch kind though). Suddenly our hero stumbled upon a gathering of roughly 60 on-
lookers, dressed in Supra Hi-Tops, studded belts, and fedora’s who were in a trance-like state with their
Nikon’s unsheathed to steal part of the soul of whatever celebrity was about to appear. The Baron
shoved his way through the crowd of on-lookers, unconcerned with whatever celebrity were to appear,
knowing that Steve Buscemi and Philip Seymour Hoffman wouldn’t have drawn out these individuals,
who were blocking his path to a local bar where a damsel and free adult beverages were awaiting his
pillaging. As The Baron emerged into the center of the crowd he incidentally bisected Jay-Z at the
exact moment he became visible to the crowd. His highness looked like a deer, or maybe a camel
caught in headlights, presumably astonished at the cojones of this measly peasant, who’d managed to
penetrate past the moat of Monet and security gators into his Throne. The Baron had mistakenly
wandered into, what for a second appeared to be an Illuminati trap, something The Baron had dreamt
about, endlessly playing out scenarios where he either slayed the Illuminati’s puppet in a lyrical
onslaught or finally fell to the world’s greatest purveyor of evil. In a split second the arch-rivals
acknowledged that this was not the time to engage one another in battle, nor was either prepared, so
The Baron (being the bigger man) patronizingly patted Hova on his left shoulder and marched onward
into an evening of debauchery, while Hov’s security assassins shouted threats at The Baron and fanboys
flailed praises of Watch The Throne as Jay hopped onto his gold-plated Razor Scooter. (Let it be noted
1) The Baron doesn’t ride dicks and 2) Had Beyonce been there, things would’ve gone VERY different
3) actually a true story by the way, minus the scooter thing)

My encounter with Jay this past weekend seemed like the perfect analogy for his and Kanye’s newest
record. While I could really give a shit and truly don’t care (about the record), everyone else I know
adores it, similar to me running into Jay and not caring, while onlookers squawked endless praises.
Watch The Throne is a grandiose record that reflects main-stream values and emphasizes all that the
American masses have come to cherish over the past decade, that being materialism and floating
through life aimlessly fist-pumping to regurgitated and arduous major label endorsed music. That said,
Jay-Z and Kanye West are in a league of their own when it comes to this type of music (Ricky Ross
being in 3rd place), which to me is like being the smartest kid on the short bus. Congratulations is due
though, considering they’re rappers who could theoretically resuscitate the European economy. I can’t
help but feel that a cruel joke is being played all of us and I’m one of the few that sees it. We’re
recovering from a recession, the DOW is plummeting daily and Jay and Ye continue to rap about
designer brands I can’t even begin to pronounce. Watch The Throne is so singularly focused on money
it’s almost funny, “Otis” being the perfect example. Firstly clearing a Otis Redding sample is about as
hard as Wilt Chamberlain at a Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, pretty hard, unless of course you have
millions of dollars at your disposal. Jay-Z and Kanye are two in a handful of people who could actually
afford to clear a sample from Mr. Redding, and what does Kanye do with it? Butcher the shit out of it.
The beat sounds almost as geriatric as Jay’s flow on most of the record. Honestly if you like that song
you need to re-evaluate Mr. Reddings catalogue and get back to me. Oddly enough Otis’ daughter
said “I just think the collaboration was certainly a tribute to him, and it’s really great.”….but not as

great as 10% of profits…right? I’m sure she considers Funk Flex’s 24 minute long premiere a homage as
well.

While I am a curmudgeon I’d like to take a moment to confirm my mortality: 1) When Jay-Z says he
planked on million I literally clapped with approval 2) Hov’s verse on “New Day” is pretty refreshing 3)
“Why I Love You” was clearly meaningful to both of them 4) “Nigga’s In Paris” is one of the few cuts
on the album that is aware of it’s own absurdity, which makes it work more so than other tracks 5) A lot
of the beats on the album are “cray”, in the words of Mr. West. But while there are a few brief
moments of clarity on the record, most of it is tiresome, flaccid, and dismissible. And then there is the
matter of Kanye West comparing a nondescript facet of his life to one of the worst things to ever
happen and I quote //This is something like the Holocaust/Millions of our people lost// on “Who Gon
Stop Me” as a dub-step beat violates your ears. For starters I’m pretty certain that nothing Kanye West
has experienced in his life has come even remotely close to the Holocaust. Congrats Kanye you’re a
fucking idiot and you’ve managed to offend a man who earlier made a joke about mentally handicapped
people’s modes of transportation.

When listening to this album I like to envision God and Martin Luther King Jr. sitting in heaven,
betting on a the NFL lock-out. What’s riding on the bet for MLK is the salvation of humanity and
reparation checks for Native Americans and African-Americans; for God it’s giving all the reparation
money to Kanye and Jay for them to spend on Benz’s and MOMA memberships… I envision God as
having won the bet. Today he sits on his cloud laughing hysterically as the rest of the world panics and
continues to kill each other, for Kanye West is on a phone in Italy with Hans Peter Feldman discussing
what it would take for Feldman to construct a giant vagina out of one hundred dollar bills, so Kanye
could literally fuck his money….good to know at least someone has some self-respect.

mp3 – Kanye West & Jay-Z – Otis

mp3 – Kanye West & Jay-Z – H.A.M